10 Creative Ways to Smuggle Your Drugs… or Not

Nearly everyone who hasn’t been buried under a rock over the past ten years has heard at least one story of a criminal drug trafficker trying to smuggle their drugs somewhere either up their bum-bums, in their va-jay-jays or even by swallowing condoms stuffed with coke, (only to have the condom burst in their stomach resulting in them dying the most speed-rushed death a Scarface-wannabe could hope for). Through the pains of addiction and the pains of cramming hundreds of small baggies filled with powder in one’s rear, drug traffickers and addicts have begun trying more and more ridiculous and innovative ways to get their drugs in places that drugs should not be, whether that’s jail, across borders or out of the sight of police.

While all of these crafty criminals’ carefully concocted concealments ultimately resulted in free bars and orange jumpsuits, they should at least be commended for their attempted innovation… sometimes. Some of the cases listed below may cause you to shake your head back and forth while saying, “how, how did they get caught?” whereas others may lead you to uncontrollable laughter over the abject stupidity of the felons that got nailed for their extra “stow-away” bags. Of course the best ways to smuggle drugs are those that have not made it to this list because without those methods of smuggling, there would not be a drug problem in areas that do not openly permit drugs. To those criminals still on the run and keeping our addicts’ pipes full and noses powdered, beware: any of these stories could be yours come this time next year. Until then, enjoy the ride, pray that the condom doesn’t burst, and try not to look too suspicious.

10. Penis’s Foreskin

Banks banks on His Johnson; Gets Busted


Our first guest on the wall of shame is a gentleman named Antoine Banks. After being arrested for possession of a largely uncontrolled substance by the name of Salvia Divinorum and quite a more controlled substance, liquid codeine, during a traffic stop in Kentucky, Banks thought he could fuel his habits just a bit longer by stowing away some harder drugs when entering Metro Corrections following his arrest. As all criminals are before they’re admitted into prison, Banks was subjected to a clothed pat down when officers felt something out of the ordinary in his boxers. Sure enough there was a tiny bag of cocaine tied into the waistband of Banks’ boxer shorts. Now given the green light, officers had a field day by ordering Banks’ strip search where upon officers found yet another bag of coke tucked between his penis’s foreskin and head.

Whereas originally Banks had faced two possession charges for the “synthetic cannabinoid” and the codeine, after his prodding strip search he added on trafficking of a controlled substance and promoting contraband to his S-list. To coin the phrase, Banks certainly wasn’t using his head when he stepped foot into prison with coke all in and around his downstairs.

9. Viagra Pills

Hungary for “Hard” Drugs?


In Budapest, Hungary, the National Drug Laboratory of the Institute for Forensic Sciences got quite a shipment of Ecstasy in with one unique little pill that made headlines. viagra-drug-smuggling1Of the 9,001 pills that they had received, 9000 of them were a white color with the imprint of the “Euro” logo on one side. Ecstasy tablets see all types of imprints and come in a variety of colors so this was no big news for the National Drug Lab of Hungary. What took them by surprise, however, was the single pink colored pill that resembled a Viagra pill in every way except color (Viagra is typically blue) and content. The pill was shaped like Viagra, the pill was imprinted correctly on both sides with the “Pfizer” logo on one and the “VGR50” on the other, though the pill was tested through spectroanalysis and it was definitely not Viagra. viagra-blue-pink-drugFifteen milligrams of amphetamine was traced and reported. Upon further analysis the presence of MDMA was found, though the lab provided reporters no further details than the confirmation of its presence in the pill.

This was the first time that a Viagra look-alike has ever turned up containing amphetamine, (apparently MDMA presence is routine in such look-alike pills). If one pill makes you larger and one pill makes you small, we all know which one the Viagra would be – whoever got nailed with these pills has got to be feeling pretty small after getting busted.

8. Lollipops

Don’t Eat the Brown Lollipops – They’re Heroin


Go figure. In New York City, New York, criminals who’ve known for years that candy and heinous crimes go hand in hand put a new spin to the offer of “free candy” from a windowless van.

The Northeast Lab of the DEA received a submission of thirty-one lollipops with “loose wrappers” after a seizure at LaGuardia airport by the DEA NY Field Division. When the wrappers were removed, the lollipops all had a thin candy shell alright, but upon licking to the end of these Tootsie-Pops, they found the wrong sweet, brown interior. Instead of chocolate at the center of these treats, DEA agents found mid-grade heroin when they cracked the candy shells. candy-from-strangers-heroin-lollipop2Among the thirty-one pops some were three quarters of an inch in diameter and some were a full inch. A total of 520.1 grams of heroin was found within the pops and was certified to be roughly sixty-four percent pure heroin. In New York, (again go figure) this was the first time that the lab had ever received heroin filled lollipops butlollipops with cocaine had apparently passed through their office in the past. One thing is for certain if the DEA nailed lollipops with both coke and heroin now – this lollipop idea either ‘blows’ or ‘sucks’.

7. Embedded in Plastic Coating

Nothing Like Some (Up)lifting Reading Material


Wait till the Chinese find out about this

Moving from New York and their sick obsession with candy, drugs and the SVU, we turn now to the Southeast DEA laboratory in Miami, Florida. A submission was brought in by DEA special agents working in the capital of Colombia of a magazine page that was coated in an abnormally thick plastic coating. cocaine-plastic2Now, upon suspicion, (let’s only imagine how they figured it out) the special agents that were handling the magazine page knew that there was cocaine in this supposed “plastic” coating over the page. Upon analysis it was found that the “plastic” cover actually contained 21.5 percent cocaine as a base. This made the entire sheet worth about 3.1 grams of cocaine if it were pure. What doesn’t add up is that this cocaine base was bastardized and rendered virtually unusable by being mixed with levamisole – a plastic coating used for pictures, calendars and all types of laminated paper. It’s also even found in automobile paints.

While this was the first submission of this kind to the Southeast lab, it can be contested that 3.1 grams of coke could be ANYWHERE in ANYTHING coming from Colombia. As a matter of fact, as a gambler, there’d be a pretty high stake to say that if you scraped enough skin off of a priest in Colombia, you’d get more cocaine than found on this sheet. Nonetheless, if the goal was trafficking coke via plastic, the culprit was caught.

6. Wrapped in Lead

Lemmie Have my Coke Or I’m Gonna Wrap it Full of Lead


Oh DEA, how we hate you for your damned persistence… This time in Dallas, Texas (the South Central Laboratory), the DEA took in eight bricks of tightly compacted white powder that was thought to be cocaine (because DEA agents couldn’t tell for sure, that’s why they always taste it before submitting it… on their tongue… in smal-, er, small-ish amounts…). A Texas Department of Public Safety Trooper seized the packages during a routine traffic stop in Pecos, Texas. There were four half-kilo packages that smacked of cocaine – typical black tape and clear plastic wrap around it were dead giveaways that the bags contained coke. However, the other four bricks were standard kilo size but weighed a TON for just a kilo of coke. Upon removal of the black tape that completely encased the kilo sized packages, folded lead sheeting was found wrapped around the bricks. At a solid 88.6 percent pure cocaine, these packages weighed in at 5.99 kilograms (I wonder where the .01 went… <cough, cough, DEA AGENTS, cough, cough>).

It was assumed that the packages were wrapped in lead to avoid detection by the x-ray machines though the DEA was quick to supply a much better idea for next time stating that “the reasoning behind this concealment technique was unclear” as the bricks were notactually encased or sealed in lead, just wrapped up in sheets of it. The intriguing part is why did they bother to wrap four and leave others unwrapped? They ran out of Lead Foil? Next time they’ll make sure to make some molds for lead encasements to store their kilos in. Maybe then the DEA will have to try harder.

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