10 Embarrassing Men Moments and Ways Out of Them

the-draft

This is a collection of random embarrassing situations that a man may experience at a given time in his life. We’ve done our homework and prepared a few ways to get out of the embarrassment in style. (well, most of the time) Be sure to follow them should you ever find yourself in one of these embarrassing situations. After that, just come here and share your results with us, we’d like to know how it went.

10. The Morning After

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You wake up with a smile on your face. You know you just got laid last night and in your mind, the girl was so fine you wish you had a camera right now so you could take a picture of her beautiful and satisfied smile while she sleeps. You glance over and find monkeyzilla lying next to you. How could you have been so drunk that this “thing” next to you looked so good just a few hours ago? The humongous person next to you who smells like feet, sweat, old potatoes, and wet dog is lying on your arm. You cannot move without waking her (you hope) up. Here are your options.

Start gnawing. With any luck, you can chew your arm off before “it” wakes up.
Use your other arm and tunnel under. If you can bite your way through the outer part of the mattress, you might have a chance.
Roll the person off the bed in one swift motion, throw a pillowcase over your head, and dive through the nearest window headfirst whether it is open or not. You can use the pillowcase to cover yourself once you get at least a half a mile away.
Grin and bear it. You have just joined a club whose members are so secret, it could be your best friend, and you will never know, until the ugly woman-monster starts to brag. You just have to hope that the person you slept with did not have the camcorder running.

9. The not so pregnant woman

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You are in an elevator going up to see your doctor when it stops and a nice young get on the elevator with you, heading up as well. She smiles at you and you know you should make an effort at casual conversation so you ask, “When are you do?” or “Are you having a boy or a girl?” However, no sooner than the words are out of your mouth when she hits you upside your smug little head with her five-pound purse as hard as she can.

What happened? You have just been the victim of one of the rarest kind of fat people on the planet. Men do not realize that some fat women will go on a diet and lose weight everywhere except their stomachs. Their arms are skinny, their face becomes narrow, even their ass reduces down to loveliness. The belly, however, remains a bag of fat about which they are really sensitive. You have just insinuated that a woman is fat by assuming she is pregnant. Hell hath no fury, my fiend, hell hath no fury.

Sorry guys, there is no way out of this one. All you can do is curl up in a ball in the corner and wait it out. With any luck, she is not going to the same floor as you.
Whip your cell phone out and tell her that you were talking on your new hands free cell phone and there is a hearing device in your ear. How dare her hit you like that.
You can try the old line that she has such a natural and radiant glow about her that you just assumed she was pregnant. Yeah, lots of luck with that.
Strip naked and start running and all the way home because… oh wait, you’re in an elevator. Forget it.

8. My Mother

tiger-woods-beat-up-by-his-wife

If you are a guy, this one makes you feel good but don’t you dare ever let that show on your face, not if you want to keep your face where it is. Your wife will literally rip your face completely off and stuff it in her handbag as if nothing happened. This usually happens either at the grocery store on one of those days when you wife did not feel like putting her make-up on or at the hospital when she is going in for some minor outpatient procedure.
You are standing there together and some silly young person says, “It is nice of you to go shopping with your mother.” Or at the hospital, a nurse or administrator says, “Don’t worry, your mother is going to be just fine. It is so nice to see you taking care of her.” You will be able to feel the heat start to emanate from your wife instantly.

If you are smart, you will say, without any hesitation, “She’s my wife.” If you hesitate for one second, she will open her pocketbook, reach in, and give your balls a hard squeeze; so hard, in fact, that you will think you are having a heart attack.Do not even think about pretending not to know what I am talking about. If you are walking around a grocery store with your wife or taking her to have an ingrown toenail removed, you are whipped and your balls are in her purse. Now go sit down while she finishes shopping, you coward.
Before your wife can react, pretend to take offense and yell at the person for saying it. Say something like, “How dare you call this beautiful young woman my mother. Do you need glasses?”

7. Pee Pee on your Pants

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You are in a restaurant-at a party in your honor. Everyone you know is there including the woman of your dreams. You really have to go to the bathroom and make your way to the men’s room. After you bleed your lizard and shake it, you put it away, and go to wash your hands. When you turn on the water, it gushes out splashing water on the front of your pants. Now it looks like you just pee’d yourself. The door bursts open and your friends come to carry you out to your party. What do you do?

Lock yourself in a stall and refuse to come out until the water spots have completely dried. Make grunting noises as if you are taking an emergency dump to get rid of a turtlehead.
Turn the water back on and literally douse yourself with water from head to toe. If you are wet all over, it cannot be pee, right?
Tell your friends that if they are really your friends, they will piss their pants so you will not be alone. If they are your true friends, they will. (right)
Strip naked and streak through the party, out the door, into the street, and all the way home because you cannot get much more embarrassed anyway.

6. The wife turns against you

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You and your buddies joke around a lot. You can say things to and about each other that no one else can say because the remarks are mean spirited and hateful but between friends, they really mean, I love you, man.

Women will never understand this and probably should not even try. However, a woman can do some serious damage to a man using this camaraderie against him without even realizing it. Okay, you and your buddies are cracking on each other because, hey… your buddies and you love each other in a manly way. You have made a crack about your buddies bald head at age thirty-five means that he has had his head up his bosses ass too long. Funny, right? It is a this moment that you wife walks in and he retaliates with a crack about how your pecker is so small that you have to sprinkle pepper on it and then quickly make a grab for it with tweezers when it sneezes… just so you can take a piss.
Everything is fine up to this point. Your buddy got you good and that means he cares about you. But suddenly, your wife breaks out laughing. Not the funny, ha ha kind of laugh but the serious, belly aching, rolling on the floor while pointing a finger at you kind of laugh that says, he has your number. Now all your buddies look at you. They think that your wife is agreeing that if your pubic hair turns white, your pecker will be lost forever. There is no way you will ever recover from this embarrassing moment because for the rest of your life, whenever your friends look at you, they will remember this day. They will believe you have a tiny dick and worse than that, you are pathetic in your wife’s eyes.

Quickly tell your friends, “How would she know? Her pussy is so big; it’s the first place I look when I lose my car keys.” Your marriage is over but at least you will keep your friends.
The only thing left is divorce and new friends. Go disappear. No one will even notice.

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