10 Embarrassing Men Moments and Ways Out of Them
5. The First Date Fart
You are at a fancy restaurant on a first date with the most wonderful woman you have ever met in your entire life. You just know she is your soul mate and it is all you can do from asking for her hand in marriage right now. As you gaze into her eyes, the waiter walks up and asks if you are ready to order. Eager to impress her, you take her menu that is written in French and tell her you will order for her. ‘I will have the veal, and the lady will have the… (RIIIIP) It is at that moment that you let out a loud and long awaited fart. You just ordered your date a shit sandwich in the fanciest restaurant in town. What do you do?
Quick! Blame it on the waiter. “Sir, How dare you! Send me another waiter immediately!” If this waiter is any good at all, he will bow and dismiss himself knowing that you are going to give him a huge tip at the end of the evening.
Blame it on the chair. “Waiter, that is the second time this chair has made that embarrassing noise, please, bring me another.”
Pray that this is not really your soul mate because you literally just “blew it.”
Strip naked and streak through the restaurant, out the door, into the street, and all the way home because you cannot get much more embarrassed anyway.
4. The Pimple
Today is the big day. You are going to speak in front of a gathering of some of the most important people in your field. Being the leading advertising executive on a huge, multimillion-dollar skin care line is the position you needed to make you a partner in the ad firm you have slaved at for the last 20 years. All of the clients are going to be there.
Unfortunately, you slept late after an all night session of fine-tuning your presentation. You get dressed and rush out the door without looking in the mirror. That is too bad because if you had taken the time to groom, you would have noticed the huge pimple right on the end of your nose. The big, red, and purple mound of infected flesh has one redeeming quality. A big white pus filled spot in the center that is just ready to burst. When you arrive at the office, everyone is already in the boardroom and seated, waiting for your arrival.
You bust into the room and go to each and every chair, leaning in close to each person, you tell them how much you believe in their skin care products and that you actually use them, every day. It is at that moment that your secretary hands you her compact with the mirror opened and whispers, “If this is a joke, its not funny.” What do you do?
Face the boardroom table; apply one finger on each end of the enormous zit and press. Pimple juice will explode, hitting everyone, clearing the room. Then you can go and clear your desk. You are fired.
Get a running start and fling your body out of the twenty-story window. With your luck, you would land face-first on the pimple and survive.
Turn to the room and declare, “Gentlemen, I have grown this pimple to show you how effective this product really is. In a few minutes, a film crew will arrive and we will make a commercial of me applying your product to this enormous pimple. I will then have it removed by a plastic surgeon and we will tell the world of how your miracle pimple cream cured me. We will make billions!” You will be either brilliant or homeless. Let me know how that works out.
Strip naked and streak through the office, out the door, into the street, and all the way home because you cannot get much more embarrassed anyway.
3. The Mother-in-law
You come home from work and your wife is in the living room. She says she wants you to meet her mother whom you have not met yet because you eloped. You say, “I thought you said your mother was a cold hearted witch that you hated and that you hoped I never have to meet the manipulative, life-sucking demon spawn from hell.” Then you realize that your new mother-in-law is sitting on the couch.
Your wife has turned a bright red from head to toe and her mother looks shocked. What do you do?
Quick… say, “Your mother! I thought you meant MY mother.”
Quickly say. “That’s when the movie got so dull that I left the theater and came straight home. Say… Who is this beautiful woman on our couch? Is this your younger sister?”
Pull out your pen and ask your wife where she wants you to sign the divorce papers.
Strip naked and start running and all the way home because you cannot… oh wait, you’re already home. Just strip naked.
2. The Draft
You are at the local swimming pool with all of your friends when the girl of your dreams shows up and spreads her blanket in full view of the diving board. She smiles at you and you know that this is your chance to show off with that dive you have been practicing.
You climb up on the very top board and do a double back summersault flip into a perfect swan. Instantly, you realize why no one else was swimming. The water is as cold as ice. You keep your composure and climb out of the pool feeling confident and proud. That is when you realize something else, first… everyone is staring at you, including her, and second, those are your swimming trunks floating on the water’s surface on the opposite side of the pool. You can tell from the draft that cold-water shrinkage has set in. What can you do?
Jump back in the pool and drown. Your reputation has shriveled to nothing anyway.
Cover your exposed area with both hands (not just your little finger) and calmly begin to explain the cold water shrinkage effect. You will have to yell to be heard over the laughter.
Throw out your arms and sing Helen Reddy’s “I am Woman.” Then take a bow.
Run like hell all the way home-buck naked. You cannot be any more embarrassed than you already are.
1. Bird in the Hand
You have not had sex for a while because your wife in having her monthly and you have been working late for several weeks. You are at home alone and while going through some old boxes, you find an old Penthouse magazine from your college days. What the heck, you feel stress just like everyone else so you slip into the bathroom to take care of some long overdue business.
You are just about wrapped up when your wife and your mother-in-law both open the bathroom door and BAM, instant, lifelong mental snapshot of you on the toilet with Mr. Winky in your hand and a huge shocked look on your face. What do you do?
Stand up, show them your pecker, and ask, “Does this look like a cancerous lump? My doctor told me to check for lumps.” Its lame, but what else have you got?
Clutch your chest and feign a heart attack hoping they will forget by the time the ambulance arrives.
Slam the door, have your pizza delivered to the bathroom window every day, and spend the rest of your life in the restroom, refusing to look anyone in the eye again for the rest of your embarrassed life or until your wife slides the divorce papers under the door. Hey, you have water and a toilet, what else do you need?
Smile demurely and ask them to join you. “Ladies,” you say, pumping your eyebrows up and down. “There’s plenty for everyone” Believe me; it will all blow over within six months of the divorce.