Top 10 bizarre up theirs adventures

look-at-the-bull-his-horn-is-up-the-spanish-guys-ass-serves-him-right

When I had the idea of making a top ten list of “up yours” adventures I shuddered at all the long hours of research I would have to do to find any writing on the subject. I could not have been more wrong. Apparently, there are a lot of people sticking all kinds of things up their rectums and getting them either jammed in there or losing them entirely. The amount of info on the subject is incredible. After wading very carefully through the mess, here are the top ten items. Please, do not try any of these at home. I am sure these people were all professional rectum adventurers with plenty of experience.

10. Cell phone

upass-mobile-phone-bizarre

I couldn’t believe the name of this Indian company when I was looking for a picture, I couldn’t have done better :)

Overheard from one inmate to another: “Could you bend over? I need to make a call.”

While I probably do not have to say more than that, the fact that so many of us purchase used phones demands that I do. The next time you purchase a recycled cell phone, you might want to give it the old “sniff” test.

In a Mexico prison in Zacatras, it was called to official’s attention that the outside world was receiving phone calls from inmates. During a round of x-rays of the prisoners, they discovered that one particular gang had put cell phones wrapped in plastic bags in their rectums. Each member also had extra chips and one poor soul had a charger up there. Can you imagine having to take a cell phone dump every time you wanted to place a call? I guess that is what they had to do unless they learned how to text with their colons. I heard that one inmate went into spasms when he received a call because it was set to vibrate.

A high-ranking prison official in Texas received a call from the mother of an inmate complaining about the terrible reception on her son’s cell phone. She was mad because she paid good money for the service and thought the prison’s reception should be better.

9. Masonry Adhesive

resin-masonry-adhesive-ass

No, it’s not a turd!

Overheard in Emergency Room “I put RESIN in my ass? I thought it said RAISONS!”

This is the case of a 27-year-old unemployed man that showed up at a hospital with lower abdominal discomfort. He injected resinous liquids into his rectum via a dual-chambered glue gun, resulting in an exothermic reaction that caused the mixture to solidify and become fixed internally. This resin is meant for use in the building and construction trade as a masonry adhesive. He admitted to have done this for anal erotic pleasure.

It is incredible what lengths some people will go to in order to enhance their sexual experience. This one, however, I just cannot wrap my head around what his end game might have been. As sick as it is, it does not even make remote sense. How is putting an industrial strength adhesive in your peek-a-boo going to enhance anything? What this poor idiot did get is a nice colostomy bag to crap out of for a few weeks. They say, “To each his own,” but maybe someone should keep an eye on this idiot. I don’t think he will learn a lesson easily, even a hard one.

8. Coke Bottle

coke-in-the-ass

Overheard in the Kitchen “Did you drink my last bottle of coke? Drink it… uh…no, I did not drink it.”

coke-ebulanaThis is just one of the 240+ Objects that this 42 year old toilet cleaner, Fred Ebullana, accounts for his World Record. When told of his achievement he just replied:

“I just cannot believe it!. It’s not that I was trying to get into the record books or anything I’m just so accident prone. I’m always falling over and impaling myself on various objects around the house. I’m so proud to have achieved this, just wait until I call my Mum, she will be so proud of me.”

One person that certainly doesn’t count Fred’s record as remarkable is Dr. Raj Persaude. (photo above)

I’m totally fed up with this guy being admitted to this hospital with various objects rammed into his anal cavity. I didn’t spend five years of my life training to be a doctor so I could waste my time treating twats like this. This annoying little twunt seems to occupy most of my time in the hospital, he may think he’s some sort of celebrity but it’s us medical staff who have to treat him when we could be giving help to deserving patients. I’ve also had to have him forcibly removed from the hospital on numerous occasions for molesting the nurses and exposing himself to other patients.

Of all the things a freak could put up his rectum, this one is not even funny. It is such a shame to waste such an excellent product as this on a part of your body so far from the taste buds. Unless his boyfriend was ready with a straw, this is just sad. My advice to this ass-clown is this, the next time, use Dr. Pepper, and save yourself a trip to the ER. Coke is the REAL thing, not the REAM thing, you idiot.

7. Live Artillery Shell

liveshellass

Overheard, two nurses in a hospital cafeteria while waiting for bomb squad to give the all clear “Talk about your butt bangers, this one must have been a baby-boomer.”

This one is actually somewhat sad. A friend of mine had a grandfather who suffered from piles. It is such a terrible and painful condition, especially for the elderly. This poor guy had it so bad that his hemorrhoids would hang and snag on his underwear seam. He would push it back into his anus to try to get some relief. I would imagine he tried several items before realizing that the souvenir artillery shell he had kept from the war worked best. Then the old Vet got it stuck up there. When the ER docs found out it was a live shell, they had the local bomb squad disarm it before they went in after it.

6. Flashlight

need-a-light

Overheard Attending ER Physician “I hope it’s turned on so I can see what I’m doing.”

I know it must be dark in an idiot’s nether-regions but this is definitely overkill. What happened, did he lose his car keys? Did he forget what he had for lunch and decide to put a little light on the subject? Perhaps his boyfriend is afraid of the dark. Whatever the reasons he had for sticking a flashlight up his rectum, I am pretty sure the hospital staff found it quite illuminating. Talk about the lighter side of medicine. Can you imagine how the conversation with the doctor went?

flashlight-assPatient’s boyfriend- “Uh… doctor, I stuck a flashlight up my boyfriends…, you know.”

Doctor- “Rectum?”

Patient’s boyfriend- “Rectum… no, I only wounded him. But there is a flashlight up his ass.”

Doctor- “What were you looking for?”

Patient’s boyfriend- “Nothing, I just wanted to light up his life.”

Doctor- “That was not very bright.”

Patient- “Maybe the batteries are dead.”

facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinteresttumblrmail