Top 10 bizarre up theirs adventures

5. Impulse Body Spray

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This must be where he bought it

Overheard in the Ambulance “What is that odor? It smells like the Avon lady shit herself.”

A 39-year-old male married lawyer presented with a self- inserted perfume bottle in his rectum that he was unable to remove using various objects, including a back scratcher. He had inserted this bottle on previous occasions. The object, “Impulse Body Spray”, was removed manually after a spinal anesthetic.

Do you suppose this guy has never heard of a courtesy flush and decided to do something about the way his shit smells? Could it be that he was trying to develop a new fragrance, Ode de Asshole? It kind of makes you wonder if, every time he bent over, a fine fragrant mist spritzed out of his butt. If he farted in public, did he put his hand up to his mouth demurely and say, “Oops, pardon my impulse.” You cannot help but laugh at the irony of having to have perfume removed from your ass. I guess that if you absolutely have to jam something up there, body spray would be the way to go. Maybe he thought it said body cavity spray. I would hate to think he did not know it is for external use only. Maybe someone should check the poor person for dyslexia as well. IMPULSE not IN–ANUS!

4. The Cement Enema

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“Has anyone seen my ping pong balls?”

A 20-year-old man presented to the emergency room complaining of rectal pain. Upon questioning, the patient said that 4 hours earlier he and his boyfriend had been “fooling around.” After mixing a batch of concrete, he laid on his back with his feet against the wall at a 45-degree angle while his boyfriend poured the mixture through a funnel into his rectum. After the concrete mass hardened, it became so painful that he sought medical care.

Not only did this dummy let his boyfriend give him an enema with cement, when the doctors took an x-ray, they could see something else embedded in the hardened mixture in his butt. You might say that this was concrete evidence that the patient was not telling doctors the whole truth. Once they removed the cement plug, they chipped away the top to reveal a ping-pong ball. “So that’s where it went!” Apparently, the patient forgot about an earlier adventure. I wonder if the boyfriend knew.

3. 100 Watt Electric light bulb

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Overheard in the Operating Room “I hope it’s not screwed in to a lamp.”

It is unbelievable to me that the doctor was able, must less willing, to get a fragile glass light bulb out of his ass without breaking it. You have to applaud the ingenuity of the doctor and his inventive technique for removing it intact. What is even more amazing is how did the guy get in up there intact in the first place? Can you imagine how painful it would have been if it had broken before he could have it removed? (I cannot) Do you think the doctor would have freaked out if the light bulb had turned on while sticking out of this genius’s ass? When normal people have a great idea, a bulb goes on over their head. I guess this is what happens when some freak have a shitty idea.

2. Frozen Fish

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Overheard in the E R “Maybe he lost his cat up there and did not want it to go hungry!”

In San Francisco, a 32 year old male was complaining of a sudden onset of lower-quadrant abdominal pain. After the emergency call, the paramedics’ team arrived at the residence, they found the man on the toilet wincing with pain and telling them that he had done something “really stupid.” Upon examination, they found that the man had a frozen fish up his ass. The man had inserted the fish, head-first up his ass. After two or three “strokes,” as he put it, it thawed out enough that the dorsal fin extended, making removal next to impossible.

Shoving a fish up your poo hole can only mean one thing; well, two actually, the first being you are sick in the head. However, it could also mean that you were trying to disguise the scent of your crap spitter and make it smell more like something else. Newsflash, dipstick… unless you were trying to get your boyfriend to cast his rod in your fishing hole, your butt will never smell like a pussy, at least, not that kind of pussy, anyway. You might try smearing cat piss all over it and making it purr. Short of that, it is just another asshole with a fish in it.

1. Gerbil (Alive)

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Overheard ER Doctor to Ambulance driver. “Why didn’t you rush him to the Emergency Veterinary Clinic?”

This is reportedly another case of Mr. Ebullana, (see the Coke Bottle above) and his 240+ inserted objects World Record.

Gerbiling as a torture has been around for centuries. It was a particularly nasty form of female torture and was usually fatal. I believe they used a rat under Augusto Pinochet’s regime in Chile. However, just because there are no documented cases does not mean it is not being done. (Just ask Richard Gere.) The point of Gerbiling is to allow the furry little creature to dance the Lambada on the prostate during homosexual intercourse. Once the story about Richard Gere came out, even if it is not true, there is no doubt in my mind that a great number of weirdoes tried it. I would think, however, that you would have to declaw them and even then, you have to worry about them chewing through your intestines. Those little buggers have very sharp teeth according to Mr. Ebullana.

By the way, here’s a small selection of the 240+ things Mr.Ebullana has had removed from his anal cavity:

Rubik’s Cube
Barbie Doll
12 inch Vibrator
Vacuum cleaner hose
Cricket ball
Electric shaver
Tin of baked beans
Baseball bat
My Little Pony toy
a Pineapple
IPod (60Gb)

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