Top 10 Pathetic Movie Villains

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top-10-pathetic-movie-villainsAll movie heroes live or die because of the villains. If not for Darth Vader, Luke Skywalker would have had a humdrum (yes, ho-hum, too) background; Batman would have been fighting grime instead of crime if The Joker wasn’t there for him to figure out; and James Bond would probably be working in a small cubicle filing documents if it weren’t for Blofeld, et al. But just as there are ersatz super heroes, there are also cardboard cut-out, cheap copy cat, discounted price villain understudies whose sole reason for existence is to merely get kicked around by the heroes. So let’s celebrate the top 10 pathetic movie villains in cinema history; these miserable guys who either lack the power, the competence or clearly don’t have a clue on how to be fantastic bad guys, they obviously wouldn’t know how to take over the universe if they were the last ten people alive on Earth.

10. Nuclear Man

Superman IV

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A villain played by an unknown actor named George Pillow seems a little bit counter productive. Nuclear Man was dumb as a rail and liked ugly women. There is nothing menacing about that. He was not bigger than Superman, at six foot four they were the same height. His outfit was a little bit cooler than Superman’s suit and he had that long and wavy blonde hair that chicks go for. There is nothing menacing about that either. The lamest part about this supposed bad ass was that Superman destroyed him by dropping him into a nuclear reactor. Should that not have made him stronger? It was, after all, his power source. The only time I was worried during the movie was when he threatened Superman with his long, nuclear charged fingernails and even then, I was more worried he would break a nail than anything he might do to the Super dude.

Maybe they should have called him Manicure Man. That is definitely more menacing.

9. Toad

X-Man

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Talk about pathetic, can you imagine having the super power of being half toad? The only reason he went bad is that they would not have him in the super heroes club. How do you tell people that they should fear you because you can jump like a frog? I would be more worried about getting warts than anything else. While you have to admire his kung fu tongue grip, or just the length of his tongue, the guy just was not intimidating. The super hero Storm fried him up relatively easy and had he not fallen into the ocean, she would have ripped his legs off and had a pretty good meal.

8. General Grievous

Star Wars Episode III

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The only kind of grief Grievous is giving is the kind moviegoers experienced while trying to stay awake. This multi-armed wheezer had most people wheezing to get out of their seats. How does a machine-like villain with no lungs wheeze anyway? Was he low on engine oil? The big guy talked a good game and his chosen vehicle for trying to escape the Jedi Master Kenobi was pretty cool but apart from that, he was pretty lame. For one thing, if he was such a bad-ass, why was he running in the first place? He and his prophylactic troops had the Jedi outnumbered about a zillion to one. Besides, numbers should not matter. A true villain likes to fight.

7. Le Chiffre

Casino Royale

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Of all the bad guys that Bond… James Bond, ever faced, Le Chiffre was without a doubt the most non-threatening, non-scary of them all. In all the other Bond movies, the bad guy at least had a menacing henchman to do his dirty work. The big guy with the steel teeth, the fat Chinese dude with the sharp edged hat, Robert Shaw who could take a kick in the nuts without flinching, and even the semi-midget chick with the knife in her school teacher shoes were scarier and more threatening than petite Le Chiffre. The dude even cried tears of blood when he got a little tense. This not so bad, bad guy even failed the final, ultimate bad guy test. Moments before his death, instead of telling his killer that he would see him in HELL or issuing some other tough until death threat; he begged and pleaded for his lame little life. How pathetic was that? Very!

6. Mr. Freeze

Batman and Robin

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They took a perfectly scary looking guy in Schwarzenegger and covered all those intimidating muscles with a big, bulky tin suit. Arnold is much meaner looking without the set-up. Having the ability to withstand the cold was just about all Freeze could do without his diamond powered ice guns. The popsicled bad guy was not much of a match for Batman even if it was the George Clooney version with nipples on the outside of his suit. (I never understood that.) Mr. Freeze was about as scary as Mr. Kind of cool outside or Mr. Springtime weather and Batman is deserving of a much stronger and scarier opponent. They should have saved his character for just Robin or maybe as a stand-in for Bugs Bunny. Yes, he was that pathetic.

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