Top 10 Pathetic Movie Villains

5. Sauron

Lord of the Rings

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The Lord of the Rings trilogy had its share of really threatening bad guys but Sauron was not one of them. If he were around today, we could send a midget with hairy feet and a big bottle of Visine up that mountain and take the red out of his electronic eye with the quickness. The one thing that kills the pathetic bad guys in movies such as this one (or three) is that the minions that do his evil bidding are even more frightening than he was. Those ring wraiths were pretty wicked. Sauron himself was nothing more than a big eyesore that had already been defeated by a paper cut to the fingers given to him by an already wounded king. An eye on a mountaintop just is not very intimidating; I do not care what he can see.

4. Satan

The Exorcist

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Okay, Satan is supposed to be the dark prince from hell that is the second most powerful thing anywhere at anytime. He is the ultimate tormentor of humanity. However, in the exorcist, the worst he can do is take-over a child’s body. When he tried it with an alcoholic priest who was low on faith, the priest jumped out a window with Satan inside him and stopped his carnage right in its tracks before he could do any more damage than that. Satan was no big scary deal in the exorcist unless you are a yuppie child of a bad, booze-slugging actress.

Devil–go scare someone else.

3. Galactus

Fantastic Four Rise of the Silver Surfer

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Talk about a pathetic villain, the Fantastic 4 movie produces a whopper. Galactus is a God-like creature that moves through the universe engulfing planets with life as food. He has captured a creature from one of those worlds and in exchange for not consuming it, forces the Silver Surfer to go before him, find, and ready these planetary snacks. This almighty being arrives at Earth but the surfer changes his mind and rides into Galactus, supposedly killing him. Why did he not do that to start with? Galactus is pathetic because for such a massive threat, he was too easy to kill.

2. Jabba the Hutt

Return of the Jedi

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First, I find it hard to be intimidated by anything that comes from a planet named Tatooine. It sounds like a place drunks go to get their ex-girlfriends name tattooed on their arms. That is not the only reason this “bad guy” is a bad idea. Am I supposed to be impressed by a giant slug crime lord? He does not even appear devious. If you set aside the fact that he looks like something I would sneeze out of my nasal cavity during a nasty cold, there is just nothing menacing about him. His arms are so short he cannot wipe his own ass, presuming he has one. He has no legs so outrunning him, provided I could run while laughing so hard, would not present itself as a problem. In the end he just got strangled with a chain by Princess Leya, and there was not a damn thing he could do about it.

I am sorry Mr. Lucas; Jabba the Hutt is not a very scary villain. Compared to Darth Vader, Jabba the Hutt is Ralph Nader.

1. Bennett

Commando

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In the movie Commando, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, the villain, Bennett never fights anyone until the final scenes with Arnold. He just is not that threatening. Granted it is hard to look tough next to Arnold Schwarzenegger and there are not more than a handful of people who could pull it off, still, you would think they would have had the actor do a couple of push-ups or something to get pumped. Bennett’s character was supposed to be a member of Armhold Musclehugger’s old Special Forces Commando team, after all, and those guys should have all looked just like Matrix (Schwarzenegger) Then the weenie has to hold a knife to Musclehugger’s daughter and he really gets off on doing it.

I am sorry to say to director Mark L. Lester that we, the movie going public just did not fear him. In fact, 40% of the movie audience wanted to kick his ass before Arnold could get to him. The other 60% did not bother to wake up.

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